Hello mis amis <3
It's been another couple of months since I've written. You all know the drill - life is busy, messy, and all around beautiful in its chaos.
Recently mine has been filled with a little more of those messy, human, unexpected moments than ever before.
Where to start?
I recently left a three and a half year long relationship, moved into a new place, cut my hair off, and finally, maybe for the first time in my life, have been embracing all of the uncertainty of this crazy life. (See photos at end :))
Brace yourself for some real heart-pouring-out that's about to happen.
About four months ago, I realized that I was unhappy in life. I was busy and stressed all of the time, and felt like I didn't have enough time for myself to pursue my dreams without anything holding me back. I started to feel like I could not care for myself let alone care for someone else. I started to spiral into a self-loathing mindset where I felt like I was constantly not a good partner or friend. I realized I wouldn't be able to be there for anyone else if I wasn't there for myself first. I spent a long time thinking about what I want, and I'm still trying to figure most things out, but I found myself craving a certain type of uncertainty, the uncertainty of no restraint. Where nothing is holding you back, tying you down, and you have the freedom to pursue any of the crazy impulses and dreams you choose. So, I went and talked with friends, family, and professionals about all of my confusion, unhappiness, and uncertainty. I started to repair myself after years of self-undoing and self-destruction. I started painting again, hanging out with friends new and old, and focusing on my work. I've been eating a lot of Lebanese and Cuban food, running, and eating lots and lots of chocolate. Doing all of those things big and small to try and feel whole again.
I've been working really hard to focus on myself, what I want, my dreams, my feelings, and my life. But you know, it's important to tell you all that even after months of working, I still don't have everything together. My life is still a hectic, beautiful mess filled with bad choices, wonderful experiences, and hopeful opportunities. I am still, every day, trying to put myself first, and some days I do a really bad job, but other days I feel happier than I have in years. It's all a balance, and it's so important if you're dealing with a lot, to reach out to friends, family, and even professionals who can help you. I don't know where I would be right now without the constant love and support from my friends and family.
I say this all the time, I know I'm a broken record, but friends, it is so important to take care of yourself. In the famous words of my queen Rue Paul, "if you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love anyone else". So, maybe loving yourself means starting small with giving yourself a break, cutting yourself some slack, or maybe it's going away for a weekend, or grabbing an extra cookie at the cafe. Whatever your self-care looks like, make it a priority. And always know, no matter where you are in the world, everything works out the way it's supposed to and there are so many people in this world who love you and care for you, including me.
Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for keeping up with me, supporting me, and staying with my through all of the ups and downs throughout this wonderful experience called life.
I don't know how regularly I'll be on here, I hope to keep up with it more, since this is one of those things that help me feel myself, but in the interim while I figure myself out, I'll be on Instagram if you want to check in on the goings-on of my life.