Whether you are struggling with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or whatever it is, when you do finally move from hating yourself to loving yourself, here are the things that people don’t talk about.
For starters, and pardon my French…
It’s fucking hard.
Some people talk about “getting better” like it’s a walk in the park. Just, go to therapy. And yes, while I would love to go to therapy, it’s difficult to find affordable and good therapists, Susan. I love that we’re now more open about mental health and going to therapy, but for a lot of us, it still isn’t an option. (Is there a sugar daddy out there specifically to help get mental health care??)
I’m really happy that the stigma around mental health is changing, it’s amazing, but it’s also not as easy to just “be okay” as everyone might think. So, here are some things I learned on my path to “getting better” and loving myself.
It’s literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You would think that loving yourself is easy, that being kind to yourself would be second nature, but the reality is that it’s literally one of the hardest things. And, what’s more, it’s a daily process. It does, however, get easier with time, but it is definitely not a walk in the park, and there are still days that I wake up and every single one of those toxic thoughts enters my little brain. But…
Every day that you try - even just a little bit - to like yourself, you’re already getting better. It doesn’t have to be every day, it doesn’t even have to be for a whole day, but if you can find it in yourself to love yourself even a little bit, you will make progress. There are down days, yes, but over time the down days will become less, and the good days will become more until one day you look at yourself in the mirror and don’t even have to think twice about yourself.
There are some people out there who need counselors, therapists, prescription medication, the lot, and that is completely okay. “Getting better” is different for everyone. You need to do whatever is right for you. I didn’t have the ability to go to a therapist or to get medication for my anxiety or depression when I was younger, and I turned out okay (definitely still need therapy)… but I’m not you. Only you know what’s going to work for you.
Here is where we get into my hippie-dippie beliefs…
If you’re not listening to yourself, you won’t be able to find out what it is that works for you. When you start loving yourself you start listening to yourself. You’ll become more connected with your wants, fears, feelings, everything. If you aren’t connected to your body you won’t know what works and what doesn’t work for you. You won’t be able to pull yourself out of your own head. Only when you start to listen to yourself and deal with your problems (shocking) is when you’re going to be able to move forward. You will be able to say definitively what you like, what you want, and so much more.
Side note. Once, I was in a relationship with a guy, and he was always super frustrated with me because he would ask me what I wanted to do, or where I wanted to go, and I would always answer “I don’t know,” because in all honesty I really didn’t know. I didn’t know what I liked, I didn’t know what I wanted, and I wasn’t able to make a decision about anything. It’s definitely a good thing we broke up, otherwise, I’m not too sure I’d be on the path I am on today.
Maybe you’ve heard this one before, but it’s true; starting is the hardest part. To be completely blunt with you, you will not get better unless you want to get better. No one in this world is going to be able to convince you to get better. You have to do it for yourself or it will never happen. You have to choose within yourself to accept yourself, or you will end up right where you started. Once you have made that decision, and I mean really made that decision, the stars will align.
Look, even if you aren’t spiritual, or whatever, I’m going to explain to you how I think it all works. When you start to accept yourself, you start to put out positive energy. That energy will attract more positive energy - good people, good opportunities, you name it and good things will start to come to you, but only if you’re genuinely putting in the work. The same is true for negative energy. I can’t even begin to write about all of the negative experiences I had when I was at my darkest point, but I thought that’s what I deserved. I didn’t think I deserved happiness or kindness, and I genuinely thought so low of myself that I would let people abuse and use me. But, when you make the conscious decision to work on yourself, again it’s a marathon, not a sprint, good things will happen. In my head, the way I like to think about it is that the universe gives you a hug for choosing the brighter side of life.
But what about the path to getting better? I think for most of us “getting better” is a lot of this in-between phase. Where you’re not entirely “better” and you’re not “in a bad place” but you’re also not feeling great about yourself all the time. I think this is the most normal place to be, and for me, this is what “being better” looks like some days. You know what I mean? Some days you look at yourself and you think, “this is as good as it’s gonna get,” and you move forward with your day. It’s all a part of the process. Some days I’m just happy to look at myself and not feel bad, that’s enough to carry on. Maybe tomorrow will be better and I’ll even be happier with myself. The point is you have to keep marching on.
For most people I know, we’re all still figuring out who we are. We’re all still coming of age and getting to know ourselves, and to me, that’s one of the biggest pieces of the puzzle. When you make a decision to accept yourself as you are now as well as who you will be, and you stop fighting yourself and stunting your own growth and development, you’ll be able to finally know who you are.
I can’t say that I “know myself” in definitive terms. I’m changing every day. And that’s normal. We should all be constantly changing and developing and learning from ourselves and others in order to experience who we are every day. We’re never only just one person, we’re always a developing self. And that means from one year to the next your life might look entirely different - different friends, partners, jobs, etc - but that’s also all a part of the process.
The last thing I’m going to touch on is that I truly believe it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, even though it is the hardest as well.
There was a point in my life that I never thought I would get out of my eating disorder. I thought it, coupled with my body dysmorphia, would control my life until the day I died. And I don’t exactly know how I did this, but one day I realized that I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I wasn’t living the life I wanted, and I knew in order to live the life of my dreams I would need to be better. I would need to go far beyond just eating three meals a day and actually accept myself.
I dreamed of moving to Europe ever since I was a little girl. I knew I was never going to “fit in” in Texas and after living in other parts of the States, I knew I would never “fit in” in the U.S. I don’t know why I wanted to live in Europe specifically, but I was just drawn to it as most white girls are these days. But I knew, even as an anorexic university student flitting from one toxic relationship to the next that if I wanted my dreams to come true I would have to do the work.
So, yes, it is worth it. I have been able to achieve my dreams and so much more than I ever thought possible, and every day those little toxic thoughts rush back to me I remember what I can do when I choose to love myself.
I hope this helps someone, if even just one person, to know that you’re not alone. This is a non-linear process filled with lots of ups and downs, and there is no shame in needing help either professionally, medically, or from your friends and family.
xxoo Ami