A fondness for one's family

No one ever tells you how hard it is to grow up and leave home. 

I’m very lucky. I come from a home where we drink coffee together every morning and solve the world’s problems, where phones weren’t allowed at the dinner table, and where cats and dogs ran wild. 

Where I grew up we said “I love you,” at the end of every phone call before the final “goodbye”. We’d pretend Santa was real every year, into adulthood even, so my mom could have the joy of seeing us wake up on Christmas morning and be surprised. Where siblings would rat out each other if they thought the other might be going down a slippery path. Where conversation was our currency. 

On a quiet street in a small town in Texas is where I grew up. There were magnolia trees in the front yards. People had porches, but the heat and mosquitos derailed any plans of using them.  When you drove into the neighborhood, a row of palms lined the main boulevard guiding you down to the water. You could see across the bay, and if the weather was right, you might be able to catch a glimpse of the pelicans who came down from the North every winter. 

Now, I live on a loud street in a big city in the north of the Netherlands. Where I’m nestled between beautiful canals and cobblestones. Where my cat sleeps in our bay window every morning, sometimes peering out to see what’s happening on the street below. In the mornings I’m greeted by the sound of escaped parakeets and bike tires. 

No one ever tells you how hard it is to leave home. 

I was raised by adventurers. Former CIA agents. Travel bugs with a lust for world cultures. So, it seemed normal to leave and venture off into the great unknown, making my way through the world and carving a 5’9, curly-headed path. 

I would sit up and dream about the life I’d have. I’d spend long nights fantasizing about the places I’d go, the people I’d meet, and the things I’d see when I was finally old enough to leave. I counted down the days, eagerly, and even left early. I’ve never been one for patience. 

And when I got here there was a rush. Everything was new. 

I had a lot of firsts again. My first Dutch kiss. My first beer out. My first friend. All coupled with the naive excitement of anyone who’s felt for the first time that feeling of honest freedom. For years, I held onto that rush. 

I never wanted to leave. Long-term, maybe, I still don’t. But what’s crept in over the years is something I never expected. A familial longing. Maybe it’s because I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up, or because my father left us at a young age. But, what I think the biggest reason is, is that no one told me that this would happen. No one says to you as you embark that if you succeed, if you make a new life for yourself, going back becomes harder.

No one ever tells you how hard it is to leave home.

Your old life is distant to you. The strings that pulled you back become faded, some even break. But, in my case, one became stronger. 

It’s not the same to wake up here as it was to wake up on that quiet little street in Nassau Bay. I don’t get to see my family grow up anymore. The last time I did I was 22. 

We’ve all changed so much. Some are married, buying homes, moving across the country. And I’m reminded that things will never be the same as they once were. We’ve all made decisions and made our own little personalized paths in the world. We’ve all succeeded, and we all feel this way. This untethered-ness to a place you called “home” and those who still live there, and a longing to bridge your lives together, old and new. But as every day carries on, those strings fade, and some grow stronger.

It’s been a long road to get where I am, and while the parakeets have their lovely morning tune, there’s nothing like having a warm cup of coffee, sitting on a couch made for a big family, and solving the world's problems with your mother.

This is a work in progress piece - thanks for reading my first draft <3

What you've never heard about "getting better".

Whether you are struggling with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or whatever it is, when you do finally move from hating yourself to loving yourself, here are the things that people don’t talk about.

For starters, and pardon my French…

It’s fucking hard.

Some people talk about “getting better” like it’s a walk in the park. Just, go to therapy. And yes, while I would love to go to therapy, it’s difficult to find affordable and good therapists, Susan. I love that we’re now more open about mental health and going to therapy, but for a lot of us, it still isn’t an option. (Is there a sugar daddy out there specifically to help get mental health care??)

I’m really happy that the stigma around mental health is changing, it’s amazing, but it’s also not as easy to just “be okay” as everyone might think. So, here are some things I learned on my path to “getting better” and loving myself.

It’s literally the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You would think that loving yourself is easy, that being kind to yourself would be second nature, but the reality is that it’s literally one of the hardest things. And, what’s more, it’s a daily process. It does, however, get easier with time, but it is definitely not a walk in the park, and there are still days that I wake up and every single one of those toxic thoughts enters my little brain. But…

Every day that you try - even just a little bit - to like yourself, you’re already getting better. It doesn’t have to be every day, it doesn’t even have to be for a whole day, but if you can find it in yourself to love yourself even a little bit, you will make progress. There are down days, yes, but over time the down days will become less, and the good days will become more until one day you look at yourself in the mirror and don’t even have to think twice about yourself.

There are some people out there who need counselors, therapists, prescription medication, the lot, and that is completely okay. “Getting better” is different for everyone. You need to do whatever is right for you. I didn’t have the ability to go to a therapist or to get medication for my anxiety or depression when I was younger, and I turned out okay (definitely still need therapy)… but I’m not you. Only you know what’s going to work for you.

Here is where we get into my hippie-dippie beliefs…

If you’re not listening to yourself, you won’t be able to find out what it is that works for you. When you start loving yourself you start listening to yourself. You’ll become more connected with your wants, fears, feelings, everything. If you aren’t connected to your body you won’t know what works and what doesn’t work for you. You won’t be able to pull yourself out of your own head. Only when you start to listen to yourself and deal with your problems (shocking) is when you’re going to be able to move forward. You will be able to say definitively what you like, what you want, and so much more.

Side note. Once, I was in a relationship with a guy, and he was always super frustrated with me because he would ask me what I wanted to do, or where I wanted to go, and I would always answer “I don’t know,” because in all honesty I really didn’t know. I didn’t know what I liked, I didn’t know what I wanted, and I wasn’t able to make a decision about anything. It’s definitely a good thing we broke up, otherwise, I’m not too sure I’d be on the path I am on today.

Maybe you’ve heard this one before, but it’s true; starting is the hardest part. To be completely blunt with you, you will not get better unless you want to get better. No one in this world is going to be able to convince you to get better. You have to do it for yourself or it will never happen. You have to choose within yourself to accept yourself, or you will end up right where you started. Once you have made that decision, and I mean really made that decision, the stars will align.

Look, even if you aren’t spiritual, or whatever, I’m going to explain to you how I think it all works. When you start to accept yourself, you start to put out positive energy. That energy will attract more positive energy - good people, good opportunities, you name it and good things will start to come to you, but only if you’re genuinely putting in the work. The same is true for negative energy. I can’t even begin to write about all of the negative experiences I had when I was at my darkest point, but I thought that’s what I deserved. I didn’t think I deserved happiness or kindness, and I genuinely thought so low of myself that I would let people abuse and use me. But, when you make the conscious decision to work on yourself, again it’s a marathon, not a sprint, good things will happen. In my head, the way I like to think about it is that the universe gives you a hug for choosing the brighter side of life.

But what about the path to getting better? I think for most of us “getting better” is a lot of this in-between phase. Where you’re not entirely “better” and you’re not “in a bad place” but you’re also not feeling great about yourself all the time. I think this is the most normal place to be, and for me, this is what “being better” looks like some days. You know what I mean? Some days you look at yourself and you think, “this is as good as it’s gonna get,” and you move forward with your day. It’s all a part of the process. Some days I’m just happy to look at myself and not feel bad, that’s enough to carry on. Maybe tomorrow will be better and I’ll even be happier with myself. The point is you have to keep marching on.

For most people I know, we’re all still figuring out who we are. We’re all still coming of age and getting to know ourselves, and to me, that’s one of the biggest pieces of the puzzle. When you make a decision to accept yourself as you are now as well as who you will be, and you stop fighting yourself and stunting your own growth and development, you’ll be able to finally know who you are.

I can’t say that I “know myself” in definitive terms. I’m changing every day. And that’s normal. We should all be constantly changing and developing and learning from ourselves and others in order to experience who we are every day. We’re never only just one person, we’re always a developing self. And that means from one year to the next your life might look entirely different - different friends, partners, jobs, etc - but that’s also all a part of the process.

The last thing I’m going to touch on is that I truly believe it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, even though it is the hardest as well.

There was a point in my life that I never thought I would get out of my eating disorder. I thought it, coupled with my body dysmorphia, would control my life until the day I died. And I don’t exactly know how I did this, but one day I realized that I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I wasn’t living the life I wanted, and I knew in order to live the life of my dreams I would need to be better. I would need to go far beyond just eating three meals a day and actually accept myself.

I dreamed of moving to Europe ever since I was a little girl. I knew I was never going to “fit in” in Texas and after living in other parts of the States, I knew I would never “fit in” in the U.S. I don’t know why I wanted to live in Europe specifically, but I was just drawn to it as most white girls are these days. But I knew, even as an anorexic university student flitting from one toxic relationship to the next that if I wanted my dreams to come true I would have to do the work.

So, yes, it is worth it. I have been able to achieve my dreams and so much more than I ever thought possible, and every day those little toxic thoughts rush back to me I remember what I can do when I choose to love myself.

I hope this helps someone, if even just one person, to know that you’re not alone. This is a non-linear process filled with lots of ups and downs, and there is no shame in needing help either professionally, medically, or from your friends and family.

xxoo Ami

Starting New

Let a new life happen to you.
— Nayyirah Waheed

There have been many changes in the past year. 2018 was … chaotic to say the least. Filled with heart break, trauma, self expression, revelations, growing pains, meeting amazing people, new friendships, travel, exploration, self discovery, recovery, set backs, being free, and the most incredible moments of my life. I wouldn’t change anything in 2018 even if I could. 2018 gave me my life back, taught me how to fight, and showed me how beautiful life can be. I hope you all are ready for some serious vulnerability, because things are about to get raw. If you ever thought I had everything together, think again.

To recap on 2018:

  • I got out of a long term relationship

  • Survived abuse and trauma

  • Struggled with and came to terms with my issues surrounding food (still very much working on this)

  • Moved to Lebanon - revitalized my soul + learned how to live again

  • Visited my dream city, Paris

  • Saw my sister more (and loved every minute of it) and developed a relationship that will last our lifetimes

  • Renewed a relationship with my wonderful, protective, and incredibly caring brother (we’re still working on getting him to respond to my texts though <3)

  • Grew parts of myself back

  • Grew closer to those I love most, let go of bad relationships and friendships, and started learning how to love - started to understand my fears in life (my biggest fear being vulnerability and showing feelings in anyway…. hehe)

  • Worked through an extremely stressful semester and came out on top

  • Believed in myself

And here we are. Here I am. It’s 2019. We’ve successfully made it through another year, and guess what, my friends, we thrived. And things are only just beginning, and only just starting to look up.

I’ve told this to my closest friends, and I’ll share it with all of you too, 2019 is the year of facing my fears. So, since 2019 started, what have I done?

  • Expressed my feelings openly with many people (scary)

  • Came to terms with my fear of rejection - a work in progress

  • Believed in myself + went after the things I want most

  • Am moving to Amsterdam

Why am I sharing so much? Well I guess it’s because this is also the year I am honest with myself and everyone else. I’ve decided to change this blog completely - it’s now not going to be structured around what companies I can get to partner with me, consumerism, or anything like that. It’s going to showcase this insane, beautiful, chaotic life of mine, and I really hope you all enjoy it.

Cheers to being real, conquering fears, and working towards betterment.

Infinite Xs and Os.

Living my best life under the Beirut sun.

Living my best life under the Beirut sun.

Special thanks to those incredible people who have stood by me and encouraged me throughout this year. Words cannot express how much your friendship and love mean to me.